Plans for the future

Dear Blog,

It just keeps getting weirder around here. I know I haven’t updated you in a while, but that’s because I’ve been working very hard and I’m generally a basket case when I get home. I know, I know, I’m not taking care of myself like I should, but I’m trying to re-establish some good habits, like going out and getting sweaty (Sweaty Project!) after work so that I boost the endorphin levels a little bit. Also, I have not mixed any heroin into my insulin at dinner time in longer than I can remember.

What was I just saying? Dammit, the drugs really kill my memory.

Anyway, I’m writing now as part of my parole agreement. Yes, parole. I was at home on Sunday, happily knnitting away on the second Shifty sock when a knock on the door interrupted my flow. I answered it and was surprised to see . . . Them. The Knitters In Black (KIBs). I never really thought they existed. When Cari used to talk about the Brooklyn Sock Mafia – well, I thought it was just talk.

But they’re real. As real as the red-faced leprechaun sitting on my monitor tossing dpns at me.

They flashed their badges (held in smartly felted wallets) and let themselves inside. They proceeded to take a full accounting of my stash and my WIPs, and after a brief, apparently wordless consultation between themselves, they informed me that my status as Knitter was in danger of being repealed without appeal.

“That’s terribly alliterative of you”, I remarked.

Humorlessly, they stared at me through their black sunglasses and informed me that I have to come up with a major project to complete this year or else I’m going before a Tribunal to consider the permanent revocation of my knitting license. Staring down the smoothly polished barrel of a metal #15, I knew they meant business. I cleared my throat and told them I’d already started getting shoe sizes for all 16 people on my team at work and that I was planning socks for everyone.

The did that weird, silent communication thing again, and then the smaller one said, “That’s pretty thin. We’ll have to clear it with the Bosses.” She jerked her head to indicate Wales.

I jerked my thumb over my shoulder and said, “Dude, Wales is that way.”

“Don’t push it, smartass. We’ll be back to check on your progress.”

“Oh,” she continued as they let themselves out after a cup of coffee, “start a podcast, for crying out loud.”

I sat there in my room, trembling, wondering if it was all a strange fantasy or just the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind.

Wait a minute, what were my choices again?

No Responses to “Plans for the future”

  1. Suzy Says:

    You were knnitting, huh?! I think you need to knit a sporran to go with the kilt, awesone sweater (that you can wear twice a year in SA if you’re lucky) and kilt hose. Don’t you think you could design one using some kind of furry fiber to make it look like fur? Hang in there dude!

  2. Administrator Says:

    I swear to god, I was! Really knitting! It wasn’t all just a dream.

    Sporran, eh? I think I’ve got a pattern for one around here somewhere.

  3. Susan Says:

    I want what you’re on.

  4. VanillaBee Says:

    Sweaty aside from Wii boxing you mean? :~P I thought this through and decided I can combine fitness and my knitting and spinning obsession by knitting and dropping spindle while seated or bridging on a stability ball to improve my posture and build my core strength. Maybe the stationary bike is within the reach of a seasoned knitter? Just a thought.

    Project idea— Knitted kilt pattern and program more stitches into VisiKnit. Maybe take VisiKnit to a whole new level in helping design the knitted kilt. From what I read, designing a flattering skirt can be hard. Wonder if a kilt is the same…

    And after that tale, might I also suggest the knitted straight jacket from Dominitrix ;~)

  5. Jess, of the Bugs Says:

    It is the “Sweater Project,” is it not?
    I’m just sayin’

  6. Stephieface Says:

    I’m pretty sure your one and only choice they gave you was to post pictures of yourself getting sweaty in your kilt… yup… I’m definate about that.

    Knitting without AC would count, right?

  7. Donna Says:

    Even on other blogs, Stephieface has got my back.

    I agree. The one and only choice is a kilt picture.

  8. Carroll Iverson Says:

    what about a headwrap? As I recall you used to have the most screwy head wrap and we called you sheik.

    and why do I care…….

  9. Cynthia Says:

    And did you check your blood sugar level during this ‘incident’? Watch out, man!

    16 pairs of socks should be sufficient for the KIBs! (you can make it 17 and make me a pair just to be sure)

  10. Kim Says:

    I think you should go back to mixing the heroin in your insulin!

  11. pippy Says:

    Sweaty projeckt. Dewd. Who writes your jokes?? I’m just sayin’.

  12. Michelle Says:

    Dear David,

    Why are you cowering to those KIB wusses? Dude, you have a village of homies with US19 and even US35 who will secure your status as a righteous knitter. Did you remind them that you are knitting a sock using three different colors? Next time, tell them to pay attention.

    Oh, and back off the drugs, man. You don’t want your forehead to turn into a fivehead!


  13. cari Says:

    I tried to warn you.

  14. Wendy Says:

    The sporran idea is cool, but I really think that to prove that you’re a REAL knitter, you need to knit yourself some knitter’s DNA:

    And if you’re going to alter your reality you could try these magic items:

  15. Mary, Mary Says:

    Naps. Naps are good…